Movie Night
by Liz011
Summary: Jack and Ianto like to watch bad movies on purpose so that they can mock them. Credit to professormcguire of tumblr for the idea.


"What are we watching tonight?" Jack shouted from the kitchen, face buried in a cupboard while he looked for a suitable popcorn bowl.

"You'll see," Ianto replied, inserting the disk into the DVD player.

Jack rolled his eyes. "You're such a tease," he joked as he walked into the living room and settled into the couch.

"I learned from the best," Ianto shot back as he turned on the television. He stood up and moved to join Jack. Jack's arm was already resting along the back of the couch, leaving a comfortable space for Ianto to fill. Ianto settled in next to his boyfriend and reached across for some popcorn, using the motion as an excuse to snuggle a bit closer.

When the copyright warnings finished and the DVD welcome screen came up, Jack's jaw dropped. "Dear God, Ianto, what have you found this time? There's a unicorn in an enchanted forest."

Ianto leaned forward to press play. "The Last Unicorn, to be specific. And her forest isn't enchanted, it's just protected by her magic."

"You've seen this before!" Jack accused him. "That's cheating!"

"I have _not_ seen it before, I just read the summary on IMDB. Now hush, we're missing the intro."

"Right, we wouldn't want to miss the song that's explaining to us that this is the last unicorn. Then we'd never figure out what was going on," Jack snarked.

"And then I would insist on rewinding it, and you'd have to listen to the whole thing again," Ianto told him. "I know you don't want that."

"One: You wouldn't actually rewind it and you know it. You'll just summarize for me what I missed. Two: If I'm not listening to the song the first time, what makes you think I'll listen to it the second time? What would really happen is you'd listen to it twice, summarize it for me, and then spend the whole movie looking for a chance to gloat about the song being relevant."

"The point of bad movie night is to mock the _movie_, not me," Ianto explained for what felt like the zillionth time.

"Really?" Jack asked, feigning surprise. "I thought the point was to see how long it took to persuade you that I'm more interesting than the movie." He flashed his most charming smile.

Ianto jabbed Jack in the ribs with his elbow and hoped the dim light would hide his flushed cheeks. "Now, come on, Jack. You've been so busy teasing me you haven't even commented on the butterfly apparently knowing more than the unicorn does about the status of her species."

"Wait, what?" said Jack, snapping his attention back to the screen.

Ianto sighed. "Our heroine has just been informed by a passing butterfly that she is the last of her kind. The rest have been driven away by the Red Bull. She's so upset that she's leaving her forest to look for the other unicorns."

"...So they have so little contact that she hasn't even noticed they've vanished, but when a gossipy insect tells her about it she's ready to strike out into the unknown to find them?"

"Basically," Ianto shrugged.

"I'm calling it right now that the butterfly is working for the Red Bull," Jack announced through a mouthful of popcorn.

Ianto laughed. "The butterfly is a Friendly Woodland Creature. Friendly Woodland Creatures don't work for the bad guy!"

"This one does," Jack insisted. "The unicorn wouldn't have left home if the butterfly had kept its tiny mouth shut, and now that she's outside her forest she's facing all sorts of unknown perils. I'm telling you, that butterfly is no good."

"And _I'm_ telling _you_ that butterfly is a minor character who will never show up again."

"Alright then, it's a bet."

Ianto grinned. "And the stakes?"

Jack considered for a moment. "Loser wears lace panties to work tomorrow," he decided.

"Make it a week."

"Done."

They were silent for a moment as they both shoveled more popcorn into their mouths and looked forward to the coming week.

After about a minute of silence, Ianto sat forward and pointed to the screen. "Why is her horn gone?" he asked.

"Unicorn magic," Jack explained matter-of-factly. "It'd be awfully inconvenient to go around advertising your magic powers outside the safety of your enchanted forest."

"The forest isn't enchanted," Ianto repeated.

Jack smirked. He loved how Ianto could be such a fusspot over the silliest things. "Whatever you say, dear," he replied in the most dismissive tone he could muster.

Ianto elbowed his ribs again. "Watch your tone, or you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight."

Jack laughed and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. "Watch your elbows, or I really _will_ sleep on the couch tonight."

"You really think that would upset me?" Ianto asked, pulling back far enough to raise his eyebrows at Jack.

"I don't _think_, I _know_," Jack told him, once again flashing his most charming smile. "Fifty-first century pheromones mean I only ever sleep alone by choice."

Ianto rolled his eyes and caught a glimpse of the television. "Wait a minute, why is she in a cage?" he asked. He looked back at Jack. "See, we keep missing parts of the movie because you're too busy giving me a hard time."

"Oh, I can give you a hard time," he purred, brushing his lips along his boyfriend's jawbone.

"Jack, I'm serious," Ianto insisted, trying to hide how much he enjoyed the contact. "The unicorn has apparently been captured by a witch and I really... really... God, what are you doing with your tongue?" The last bit came out halfway between a gasp and a moan as he allowed his eyes to roll back into his head.

Jack pulled away. "Watching the movie, of course," he replied innocently. "What kind of a parent names their child Schmendrick?"

Ianto took a moment to regain his composure before answering. "Schmendrick's parents, of course," he finally replied.

"Well, obviously," said Jack. "But why?"

"Probably because they knew he'd make a lousy magician and they wanted to make sure there was something exceptional about him. At least he _has_ a name, unlike our protagonist."

"Good point!" Jack agreed. "How are we this far into the movie and we don't even know her name yet?"

"They probably said it while you were threatening to sleep on the couch," Ianto joked.

Jack grinned. "See, I told you you'd miss me."

Ianto made a show of rolling his eyes.

They passed the next few minutes in relative silence, cuddling comfortably on the couch and munching happily on their popcorn. They continued to mock Schmendrick's name and his incompetence, and agreed that Molly Grue was the best character, what with her seemingly endless knowledge about unicorns and her complete lack of patience for Schmendrick's antics.

Then disaster struck in the form of the Red Bull.

"Run, Unicorn! You can't let him get you!" Jack shouted at the television, leaning forward to watch the chase. "Dammit, Schmendrick, why aren't you doing anything useful?"

"The movie's only half over," Ianto pointed out. "I'm sure she'll be fine."

"You are _not_ in the spirit of movie night!"

"Just because I can maintain a level head while mocking a movie doesn't mean I'm not in the spirit," Ianto informed him patiently. "Look, Schmendrick is doing magic to fix it right now."

"Yeah, _that_ will end well..."

"Molly Grue gave him a pep talk. You can't fuck it up after Molly Grue gives you a pep talk. See, the Red Bull is leaving."

"Yeah, but what happened to the unicorn?" Jack asked darkly. Then Schmendrick and Molly Grue found her. "Oh snap, she's a human. This cannot be good."

"Dammit, Schmendrick, I was rooting for you," Ianto complained.

"We were all rooting for you!" Jack added.

They both fell back into the couch in frustration while Molly Grue scolded Schmendrick.

"...and they're upset because she's mortal now?!" Jack asked in astonishment. "Unicorn doesn't know how good she has it."

"I'm sure it's different when you were born immortal," Ianto shrugged. "Nothing to get your panties in a twist about," he added with a smirk.

Jack turned and raised his eyebrows. "Excuse me?"

Ianto shrugged. "I just can't help noticing that the butterfly hasn't made a reappearance."

"As someone pointed out not five minutes ago, the movie is only half over," Jack reminded him.

Jack had his upper body turned to face his boyfriend, while Ianto was casually looking straight ahead at the screen. He loved when he managed to get Jack riled up. He patted Jack's knee sympathetically and turned his head to look at him. "Yes, of course, you're absolutely right. The butterfly is simply waiting for the right moment. Perhaps he'll get a monologue right before the climax."

"Alright, laugh it up. We'll see who's laughing tomorrow."

Ianto leaned in a bit closer. "You know, it's a good thing you're losing this bet," he said softly. "You wouldn't be able to concentrate at work if you knew I was wearing lace."

Jack leaned close enough that their noses were almost touching. "Oh, and _you'd_ be able to concentrate if _I_ were in lace panties?"

"I don't know if you've noticed," Ianto replied, lifting his chin slightly, "but _I_ behave like a professional."

"I have noticed, actually," said Jack, his lips now gently brushing against Ianto's. "It's very sexy." He flicked his eyes down toward Ianto's mouth, then back up again, and moved in for a kiss.

Ianto was always a bit surprised by how soft Jack's lips were and how tenderly he could kiss. It just didn't seem to match his rugged features, the pain in his eyes, or his thoroughly casual attitude toward the mayhem they dealt with at work. He allowed himself to get lost in the kiss for a few minutes, completely missing the one scene where Schmendrick's incompetence was actually useful.

Finally, Jack began to pull away, returning for a couple of quick kisses before backing off completely. Ianto sighed at the loss of contact.

"So, what's going on now?" asked Jack, turning back to the movie.

Ianto shifted to rest his head on his boyfriend's shoulder. "To be honest, I wasn't paying attention," he admitted.

Jack laughed. "But the point of bad movie night is to mock the movie!" he teased.

"Shut up or I'll rewind it," Ianto threatened, though he showed no indication of actually moving.

As they finished off the last of the popcorn, they pieced together what they had missed. The trio was now staying in a castle by the sea owned by King Haggard, who controlled the Red Bull. In human form, the unicorn was called Lady Amalthea, and the king's adopted son Prince Lir was falling in love with her, which worried Molly Grue because if the Lady Amalthea fell in love she would forget who she was and never be able to turn back into a unicorn.

"Okay, let me get this straight," Jack said. "Lady Amalthea has a choice between being immortal and unable to experience love or being mortal and spending her life in a loving relationship, and we're supposed to root for option one?"

"Being immortal probably doesn't suck so much when you don't experience love," Ianto suggested. "You don't have the overwhelming loneliness that comes with losing a loved one."

Jack squirmed uncomfortably. "Okay, fair point," he agreed. "But you also never get the giddy feeling of falling for someone new, or the bliss of falling asleep and waking up next to someone you feel completely comfortable with and know that you would do anything for each other. I can't see the point of a life without love."

"Well, a unicorn is a different type of thing. They don't necessarily have the same social needs as we do."

"Bullshit," Jack replied. "If her brain is wired for language, it's because she's a social creature. Lifeforms that don't have some innate need for companionship don't bother with complex communication techniques."

Ianto smiled. "Well, next time I hear someone's making a movie about unicorns, I'll make sure they hire you as an exobiology expert to make sure the science is believable."

"I'm going to hold you to that."

By now, Lady Amalthea, Schmendrick, Molly Grue, and Prince Lir were exploring a hidden passage in the castle looking for the Red Bull. Neither Jack nor Ianto was surprised that Molly Grue had been the one to discover the passage. Schmendrick was finally getting around to telling Prince Lir what they were looking for and admitting that the Lady Amalthea was really a unicorn. Prince Lir said that he didn't care and loved her anyway.

"Pretty progressive attitude for a medieval prince," Jack commented.

"Not that progressive," Ianto argued. "The brave knight falling in love with and protecting an impossibly pure woman is a pretty tired trope."

"Ooh, and he just told her she can't marry him because her unicorn quest is more important, so add to that that he's preserving her purity by refusing to allow her to make her own decisions."

"It's a good thing we stopped playing the Tired Old Trope Drinking Game," Ianto commented.

Before Jack could reply, the Red Bull started chasing Lady Amalthea.

"Now, wait a minute!" Ianto protested. "When she was first turned into a human he had no clue at all that she was the unicorn, but now that she's been in human form for months on end and has all but forgotten what it's like to be a unicorn, suddenly he sees her for what she is?! This makes NO LOGICAL SENSE."

"Yet another reason they need a reliable science consultant when making unicorn movies," Jack agreed.

As Lady Amalthea tried to outrun the Red Bull, she tripped and injured herself.

"Trope Alert!" Ianto announced. "Women Are Incompetent at Running Away."

"And Need a Knight in Shining Armor to Save Them," Jack added as Prince Lir rushed to her rescue. Schmendrick changed Lady Amalthea back into the unicorn so that she could run away. "Also, Overriding Their Bodily Autonomy Is Fine If You Think You're Acting in Their Best Interest."

The unicorn refused to leave Lir's side, and so the Red Bull started driving her into the ocean just as he had done to the other unicorns. When Lir blocked the Bull's path, he was tossed aside and killed.

Jack shook his head. "And now we've got He's Dead And It's All Your Fault You Foolish Woman. You're right, that game would have been a terrible idea here."

Both were now on the edge of their seats watching the action unfold, and Jack couldn't resist cheering when the unicorn, fueled by rage over her lover's death, turned on the Red Bull and drove him back into the ocean. As he was driven back, the other unicorns were able to emerge from the surf with enough force to topple Haggard's castle. With the unicorns freed and the evil king defeated, the unicorn returned to Lir's side.

"Magic Healing Moment," Ianto announced as the unicorn bent down to revive Lir.

With Lir now safe, the unicorn left the beach and returned to the forest. Molly Grue and Schmendrick comforted Lir about his lost love, then went to the edge of the forest to bid the unicorn farewell. The movie ended with a standard uplifting message about how great it is to know love, and then the song from the intro started up again and the credits rolled.

Jack turned to Ianto to point out that he hadn't missed the song after all, but was caught off guard by the way Ianto was looking at him.

"What are you smiling about?" Jack asked.

Ianto grinned wider. "The butterfly never showed up again."


End file.
